


When I'm with you I'm standing with an army

by Cherrie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Aromantic Harry, Asexual Louis, Coming Out, Fluff, Gen, Harry and Louis meet each other's friends, Harry is a softie, Late Night Conversations, Minor Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Protective Louis, Uni AU, and explain ace and aro to them, i guess, louis and harry are childhood best friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-05 01:58:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11003604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrie/pseuds/Cherrie
Summary: Love isn't just one thing.





	When I'm with you I'm standing with an army

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Saori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saori/gifts).



> yay!
> 
> I'm super excited about this really so huge thank you to Saori for the prompt and to a person who dropped out so I was able to pinch hit and to lovely moderator of this exchange cause I had SO MUCH fun.
> 
> And most of all thank you Serena- my lovely [beta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempolarriefics) for being, as always, the best :D 
> 
> Let me know what you think, I'm actually dying to know!

Louis woke up to the loud thud of doors being snapped shut. He opened his eyes rapidly and sat on the bed. He didn’t have to listen in for long because right after the sound, he heard Harry’s voice. He sighed in relief and laid back down.

 

‘Kenny!’ Harry yelled. ‘Why are you doing this?’ He asked, strangely broken. Louis sat up again, alarmed by his best friend’s tone of voice. 

 

‘Why am I doing this?’ Another voice asked, which Louis recognised as Harry’s hook up, Kenny. ‘What the fuck, H?! We’ve been doing this for weeks and I’m so done! I thought it was going somewhere! But you don’t want me at all, do you?’ He added, and Louis narrowed his eyes in confusion.

 

‘What?’ Harry asked, mirroring Louis’ confusion. ‘I told you the minute we met that it would never change into anything romantic! Why are you acting like I’ve been deceiving you somehow?’ 

 

‘Oh, grow up! All the scared in-the-closet gay boys are all sex no kissing rules! How the fuck was I supposed to know you meant it?’ Kenny snapped and Louis felt himself rising up in rage. 

 

‘I’m not gay, Kenneth. You know that. I’m pansexual aromantic. You know that too. I am not a damaged good, I didn’t go through any deep psychological trauma that would keep me from falling in love. I am not broken or scared or whatever you’re thinking.’ Harry said, oddly choked up. ‘And I thought you got that. I thought you understood me.’ He added, his voice getting smaller, and Louis’ heart broke.

 

‘Oh come on!’ Kenny groaned. ‘Don’t pretend to be all broken hearted about it since you claim you can’t have feelings towards people!’ He yelled.

 

Louis officially had had enough. He stormed out from his bedroom and opened the door forcefully. Harry was folding in on himself with his arms crossed protectively around his chest while Kenny stood in the doorframe, his hand on the handle. 

 

‘Just because I don’t feel romantically about anyone doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings.’ Harry said softly, his bottom lip jutting out. Louis was ready to kill.

 

‘Get out, you asshole.’ Louis snapped viciously. ‘Take you and your ignorant prejudice away from our house and don’t come back here ever.’ He added. He came to stand next to Harry and looped a protective arm around his best friend, feeling Harry leaning into the touch. 

 

‘Wow!’ Kenny mocked, looking at the scene before him. ‘You two deserve each other!’ He said and walked out, shutting the door once more and making Harry flinch. 

 

The silence that followed spoke volumes. Louis turned around to look at Harry who was looking at the ground, biting his bottom lip.

 

‘Hey.’ Louis said softly, squeezing his arm. ‘Wanna talk about it?’ 

 

‘Is there much to talk about?’ Harry asked bitterly.

 

‘Look, honey. I know it’s awful. It’s me! I know. I got assholes like him every other week. I’m so sorry it happened again. I’m so, so sorry.’ He said while Harry sunk into him, clinging to his frame with all of his might and starting to cry and shake in Louis’ arms. 

 

They stood in the hall for a few minutes, Louis rocking him back and forth and whispering soothing sweet nothings into his hair. When the first wave had passed, Louis gently tugged Harry to his room and they both got under the covers. 

 

‘It’s just…’ Harry sighed, throwing his head back. ‘Every time it happens I’m still surprised. I don’t even know why.’

 

‘I know.’ Louis whispered, squeezing Harry’s hand.

 

‘They all think I’m some cliche bad boy from a rom-com! Who goes around hooking up with people and saying ‘I don’t do relationships’. And they all think they will be the person who will ‘change me’ and make me realise what I’ve been missing all along. I’m not a movie character. I’m a person. And just because I’m aro doesn’t mean I’m frigid!’ Harry exclaimed.

 

‘You’re anything but frigid! You’re lovely.’ Louis soothed.

 

He wasn’t just saying that either. He and Harry had grown up together. Their moms were best friends, and so they naturally became so too. They had even gone to the same university and moved to London together, renting a two bedroom apartment to share rather than risking rolling the dice with the dorms. They had been incredibly close ever since they were little, but had reached a whole new level in their teens when, slowly but surely, both of them realised that their sexuality and romantic orientation wasn’t as black and white as the whole world thought it to be.

 

Louis came out as asexual at the tender age of 17 which prompted Harry to let out a big sigh of relief and fill him on his own doubts - namely the fact that he thought maybe he didn’t feel about girls, or boys, or anyone for that matter the same way as other people did. Being on a-spectrum brought them even closer together. No matter how different being asexual and aromantic is, some things were the same, mainly people’s reaction when you told them. 

 

‘People are assholes, even the ones that you would have thought would understand. People who face scrutiny about who they love or fuck themselves, they’re still bigots when it comes to us. Well, let them. They can suck our dicks.’ Louis said fiercely. ‘Well, not mine’ He amended, smirking devilishly and prompting a laugh from Harry. 

 

‘How are you and Jake?’ Harry asked, changing the subject.

 

‘We broke up.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘What?!’ Harry exclaimed, whipping his head in Louis’ direction. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ He asked, calmer.

 

‘It happened literally a few hours ago. Kenny was already here when I came home, so I figured I’d just tell you tomorrow.’ Louis explained.

 

‘You could have just knocked and said that you needed me, Lou.’ Harry said softly.

 

‘Naah,’ Louis smiled. ‘It wasn’t that bad. Look: No matter how okay people say they are with not having sex ever, it turns out ninety percent of them are not. Or, you know. One hundred percent of them are not. At least in my experience’

 

‘He’s a dick.’ Harry stated, and after a bit of silence he turned to Louis and asked: ‘Want to go TP his house?’

 

‘Nah. He actually wasn’t a dick. He tried. He told me at the beginning that he had no idea whether it would be okay for him. He said he’d try though, and he told me like a person that it’s not for him, and that he’s sorry.’ Louis said softly.

 

‘I second that. He’s a dick.’ Harry hummed.

 

‘Haz, I can’t be mad at him for wanting to have sex. He has the right to want to have sex just as I have the right to not want it.’ Louis smiled softly. ‘He didn’t give me an ultimatum, he didn’t look at me like I was freak when I told him, he didn’t try to turn me on or insist that I just must have had some bad experiences. We just weren’t right for each other. He’s fine.’ He insisted. ‘I’m fine. If someone is a dick, it’s Kenny.’ He pointed out. ‘Wanna TP his house?’ He asked with a devilish grin, echoing Harry’s words and watching as a slow smile stretched on his face. 

 

‘Come on, you frog.’ Louis laughed, standing up.

 

Forty minutes later they were standing in front of Kenny’s house, somewhere that Louis was pretty sure wasn’t even London anymore. 

 

‘Using an uber was really dumb. What if they trace it back to us?’ Harry whispered, unpacking the duffel bag stuffed with toilet paper. 

 

‘Dude. We’re TPing his house, not killing his dog.’ Louis rolled his eyes. ‘No one will be tracing anything to anyone.’ 

 

‘Yeah, but like, are you sure…?’ Harry asked softly, and Louis stepped into his space forcefully.

 

‘He tried to make you feel bad about who you are, and he tried to blame who you are for  hurting him even though you were nothing but honest with him from the very beginning. He is no better than all the geniuses in the pub telling lesbians that they just need a right guy to set them straight. I am sure that he deserves to have his house TPed.’ Louis said with conviction and he could see Harry’s face harden with determination.

 

‘You’re right.’ He nodded. ‘You’re right.’ He repeated with a deep sigh. ‘Ignorance doesn’t excuse an assholish behaviour, right?’ 

 

‘Yes. It is what we always say.’ Louis smiled. ‘And now when I think of it, it is kind of pompous for a catch phrase.’ He laughed.

 

‘You’re kind of pompous.’ Harry murmured, and Louis flicked him affectionately on the nose. 

 

‘Come on. You deserve the first shot.’ Louis smirked, handing Harry a toilet paper roll, and Harry threw his roll flying straight to Kenny’s window, making Louis laugh silently.

 

‘God, hon, you have the worst aim ever.’ He giggled, throwing one of his own and flying it in a perfect arch above Kenny’s roof. 

 

‘That’s how you do it.’ He smirked, winking at Harry.

 

‘Must be the guns.’ Harry teased, squeezing Louis’ bicep. They both laughed and picked up another roll of paper, knowing that even though it was a harmless prank, getting caught was not ideal. 

 

‘For saying you’re okay with it just being sexual.’ Harry accused the house, throwing another paper roll.

 

Louis smiled and threw one of his own.

 

‘For insinuating that my heart can’t be broken if I’m not romantically involved.’ Harry said getting more wound up by the second. Louis stood by quietly, handing him another one. 

 

‘For playing the fucking victim when you are the one who changed the rules mid-game without even bothering to check with me if it was okay!’ He yelled so loudly that Louis actually had to put a hand on his mouth and shush him.

 

‘This is great stuff, love, but we do not want to wake up his parents.’ Louis smiled and Harry turned red immediately. ‘It’s fine,’ Louis chuckled. ‘You’re doing so amazing, pumpkin.’ Louis added, kissing Harry’s cheek. 

 

‘Niall would love this.’ Harry smiled. ‘I should have called him.’

 

‘Speaking of which. When do I get to meet Niall and the gang?’ Louis asked, throwing another roll.

 

They had been living in London for three months now, but considering that they were studying different majors on two completely different parts of the campus, they had different friends, all of whom were hell bent on the idea that Louis and Harry were together.

 

‘I still haven’t told them about me.’ Harry said in a small voice. 

 

‘Babe, it’s okay! You don’t have to tell people if you don’t feel like it!’ Louis said.

 

‘You told your friends.’ Harry pointed out. ‘Liam, Zayn, Perrie; they all knew from the start.’ 

 

‘So?’ Louis asked, raising a challenging eyebrow.

 

‘I wish I was that brave…’ Harry whispered, ducking his head down knowing full well what kind of smack down Louis would deliver. 

 

And right on schedule: ‘You are brave, you asshole! Just because you don’t introduce yourself as “Hi, I’m Harry and I’m aro” doesn’t mean that you’re hiding! You don’t owe anyone an explanation.’ Louis said, handing Harry another roll. They were halfway through by now. ‘Do you see straights going around and announcing to everyone that they’re straight? ‘Cause I do not. So fuck it. You don’t have to either. It’s their fault that the thought of someone not being heteroromantic never crossed their narrow minds.’

 

‘I know, but… I still want to tell them. I think they’d be okay with it. It’ll be better than constantly having to defend that I’m not in a relationship with you.’ Harry pointed out.

 

‘God, yours too?’ Louis groaned. ‘Liam and Zayn are fucking obsessed, they are waiting for some big gay showdown between the two of us.’ Louis said, rolling his eyes. 

 

‘Well, you can tell them that I’m aro.’ Harry shrugged.

 

‘You don’t want to tell your friends, but you’ll tell strangers?’ Louis asked, confused.

 

‘I tell strangers on a daily basis.’ Harry shrugged. ‘Strangers are easy, ‘cause why do I care. Friends are different.’ 

 

‘Well if you want I can tell them, but I don’t have to. I can handle a few comments about us being an item. It doesn’t bother me that much.’ Louis said. ‘But for the record… from what you’re saying, they are good people. And even if they’re not… Isn’t it better to know now rather than later?’ He asked softly.

 

‘Maybe you’re right.’ Harry sighed. ‘I want to tell them.’ He groaned. ‘It’s just that everyone knew, back in highschool. My family, they all knew. And now it’s all new people. But I should just fucking get it over with.’

 

‘Blurt it out on Thanksgiving like a normal person’ Louis joked

 

‘Hey!’ Harry exclaimed suddenly. ‘How about we kill two birds with one stone and get together, all of us? Like me, you, your friends, and my friends? The topic will come up about how cute we look or whatever and then I can just casually say ‘well yeah, but I’m aro so not going to happen’ or something.’ 

 

‘You sure?’ Louis asked carefully.

 

‘Yeah. Let’s do that.’ Harry smiled, throwing the last one. It landed perfectly straight through the one opened window, prompting someone to turn on the light.

 

‘Um, we should.’ Louis said, both boys frozen. ‘Right after we escape.’ He added, his eyes going wide. ‘Run!’ He yelled, grabbing the duffel bag and Harry’s hand and pulling his friend down the street. They heard someone yelling after them, but it just made them double the speed and start laughing hysterically. Finally, they reached the train station and stopped, both of them leaning over with their hands on their knees trying to catch their breath. 

 

‘I can’t believe you talked me into doing that.’ Harry shook his head breathlessly.

 

‘Oh come on! I just suggested it, you’re the one who packed a duffel full of toilet paper before I was even out of bed.’ Louis teased. ‘Jesus, why does he live in the middle of nowhere?’ He groaned, looking at the train schedule.

 

‘Actually, I was the one who suggested it.’ Harry corrected. ‘Only I meant to TP Jake’s house.’

 

‘And I’m sure you still would be acting like a little boy then, so you’re only proving my point.’ Louis sing-songed.

 

They sat at the bench, Louis laying down on Harry’s lap and looking at the sky, still slightly out of breath. Sometimes he loved being so far away from the city, on rare nights like this one he could see all the stars.

 

‘Hey, Lou?’ Harry asked quietly.

 

‘Hm?’

 

‘Are you ever… scared? That you won’t find someone who’ll love you just how you are?’ He asked quietly.

 

‘You love me just how I am.’ 

 

‘You know that’s not what I mean.’ 

 

‘Sometimes.’ Louis allowed. ‘But there are people like me out there. I don’t buy this whole concept of ace people only dating other ace people, but I am a romantic. A huge one. I want all of the mushy and cutesy stuff. And I do believe that if someone is meant for me, I will meet him eventually.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘Cause like… I don’t want the one. Or anyone really. But I’m starting to think that no one except you can understand. Like my family accepts it, and other friends do too. But every time I meet someone who says they are accepting and informed, we turn the corner of, for example sleeping together a few times, and suddenly they are not informed or accepting at all. And it turns out no one gets it.’ 

 

‘It’s hard, H. For people to get it. Funnily it’s easier for them to understand being ace, than aro. A lot of people don’t have sex for multiple reasons: they’re waiting for marriage, or have been married for way too long to still want to, so on some level they can relate. Obviously it’s not the same, but the point is the thought of not wanting to have sex isn’t that foreign to most people, but even then, they still want to be loved in that way, they still want a grand romance. Asexual is easier to understand because not wanting sex happens to people who don’t identify as ace, but aro doesn’t. Aro is uniquely for aro people. You’re special, H. But that’s not a bad thing.’ He said, smiling softly. ‘You have so much love in you. For your family, your friends, me. Sometimes I swear you weep for the whole world. And I love that about you. Your heart is one of the biggest ones I’ve ever seen. Don’t let them convince you otherwise just because of some idiotic stereotype.’

 

Harry looked at him with his huge green eyes shining with tears and his lips stretched in a wide smile.

 

‘Thanks, Lou.’ He said softly. ‘You’re kind of a genius, you know that?’ He added with a wicked smile.

 

‘You said the same thing to me when we were kids and we officially decided to be besties like our moms.’ Louis smiled at the memory. They had both been seven around that time. They had already been best friends, it was always like an unspoken fact between them, but that had been the day that they made it official.

 

_ Harry was sitting in the tree house deep in thought because some boys from his class had teased him about not wanting to send anyone a valentine earlier when they had all been arguing about who would send one to Melissa. That’s where Louis found him and pestered him until he finally said what was bothering him.  _

 

_ ‘They say it’s weird. And that I’m just scared that Melissa wouldn’t want my valentine.’ Harry pouted heavily, his eyes full of tears. _

 

_ ‘Pfff.’ Louis huffed, annoyed. ‘Melissa would love your valentine! They know she would like yours more than theirs! That’s why they say that.’ He added confidently. ‘And I understand why you don’t what to send her a valentine, she’s not even that pretty.’ He huffed again, sitting beside Harry like a little self righteous turkey wiggling his bum on the floor next to Harry. _

 

_ ‘But I don’t really want to give anyone a valentine.’ Harry mumbled. _

 

_ ‘So what?’ Louis asked. ‘So you’re not giving anyone a valentine.’ He shrugged. _

 

_ ‘Isn’t that weird?’ Harry asked in a quiet voice, looking at Louis and worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. _

 

_ ‘Does it feel weird?’ Louis asked bluntly. _

 

_ ‘N-no.’ Harry stuttered out after a second of hesitation. _

 

_ ‘Then it’s not weird.’ Louis shrugged like it was decided and squeezed Harry’s shoulder. _

 

_ Harry looked down at the ground, trying to put everything together before looking up at Louis with a beaming smile, and asking:  _

 

_ ‘You’re kind of a genius you know that?’ _

 

‘Well, not much has changed.’ Harry smiled.

 

‘You’re right. You’re still a right brat.’ Louis teased, earning a smack on the arm. 

 

‘So we’re doing this meeting friends thing?’ Harry asked after a beat.

 

‘Sure, whatever you want love.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘Next Friday?’ Harry checked.

 

‘I’ll ask my people and let you know.’ Louis answered seriously.

 

As it turned out, everyone was so eager to meet ‘the Louis that Harry kept yammering about’ and vice versa that if they had plans they changed them in a heartbeat, and next friday night they were all sitting around the table in one of the students’ bars.

 

Ed, one of Harry’s friends, was chatting with Perrie about music, him being a solo act playing on the streets for pennies and her amateurly singing in a girl group with her girlfriend and two other friends from high school. Liam and Niall were deep in the conversation about football with Zayn pretending to listen and Harry and Louis were exchanging stoked glances, happy that their friends got along so well. 

 

‘So,’ Perrie said, smacking her lips together. ‘What’s the deal?’ She asked, motioning between the two of them, prompting Harry and Louis to roll their eyes at each other while Louis gently sneaked his hand under the table and squeezed Harry’s palm reassuringly.

 

‘We’re best friends.’ Louis said, leveling Perrie with a hard stare.

 

‘Yeah but like… come on. You talk about him constantly!’ Liam said.

 

‘Oh he does about Louis, too.’ Niall noted under his breath.

 

‘Well, I’m aro.’ Harry announced, his voice shaking. ‘So we’re not playing coy with the whole best friends sitch. We are best friends.’ He added, nodding his head like it was not such a big deal. 

 

Silence fell over the table then, all of them looking down, unsure of how to react.

 

‘Shit.’ Perrie said. ‘I’m sorry. It was awful of us to assume, wasn’t it?’ She said worryingly. 

 

‘No. I mean, everyone assumes.’ Harry shrugged.

 

‘Still awful,’ Louis teased, trying to lighten a mood somehow, with just a little bit of truth behind it. 

 

‘Haz, we’re so sorry - we never wanted to make you feel weird! We would never push this on you so much if we knew!’ Niall exclaimed,, draping himself all over Harry and hugging him tightly. ‘We’re so proud of you! I hope we didn’t rain on your coming out parade with this relationship nonsense.’ He whispered. 

 

‘Nah.’ Harry shrugged, fighting a huge smile. ‘It’s okay.’ He ducked his head.

 

‘I have to say, you’re taking it strangely normally.’ Louis said, narrowing his eyes.

 

‘We didn’t freak out when you came out as ace.’ Zayn noted.

 

‘Still. We were expecting some questions.’ Louis said. 

 

‘Well, we never said we don’t have questions.’ Liam smirked. 

 

‘Well, ask them.’ Harry smiled encouragingly. ‘I said it today for a reason. And I know you must be extremely curious about all of this. Everyone is. And it’s better to ask rather than be offensive in the future.’ He teased, earning a chuckle.

 

‘How about you just talk?’ Ed said with a encouraging smile. ‘I’ve never met any out asexual or aromantic person. I would like to hear your story if you feel like sharing.’

 

Everyone nodded and Harry looked to Louis pleadingly.

 

‘I’ll go first then.’ Louis announced. ‘This is turning into an a-spec support group, I swear to god.’ He murmured under his breath. ‘Hi, I’m Louis, I’m asexual.’ He added.

 

‘Hello Louis.’ Harry murmured, a standing joke between them, the rest of the group chuckling a little uncomfortably, not knowing whether it was okay to laugh. 

 

‘Well, obviously being ace is different for everyone, and usually people think that you’ve just been having sex wrong.’ He smiled a little crookedly. ‘And well I actually had enough sex to know that it’s not a thing.’

 

‘You’ve had sex?’ Liam asked, earning a nudge from Zayn.

 

‘Oh, you wouldn’t believe. I started when I was fifteen, with my first boyfriend. And it was... Okay. To be honest, I had no feelings towards the act at all. But I figured, well, it was my first time, isn’t that normal? So I figured it’d get better in time. We broke up before it could get better, but I was sixteen and somehow sex was everything then. I don’t even know how it happened but I turned into huge party boy… which, don’t get me wrong, was fun as hell.’ He smiled. ‘Remember how we broke into that pool?’ Louis chuckled, and Harry followed with an amused giggle.

 

‘We broke into the outdoor pool in town with some friends and when the guard caught us Louis pretended he wanted to hook up with him and when the guy took off his clothes, he snatched them and we ran away.’ Harry choked out, filling the rest of the group in.

 

‘This is a whole new side of you.’ Zayn said with wide eyes. 

 

‘What the fuck? Didn’t he know you were sixteen?!’ Liam exclaimed angrily.

 

‘He thought that I had come back from uni for a weekend.’ Louis soothed.

 

‘And he himself was barely eighteen then, it wasn’t like he was some kind of old perv.’ Harry laughed. ‘And he was cute. Very nice ass from what I remember.’ He mused after. 

 

‘Well, if you stole his clothes I have a feeling that everyone saw that nice ass when he came home naked.’ Ed murmured, a little disappointed. He was not a fan of those ‘harmless’ pranks.

 

‘Jeez, Ed. Do you really think we took his clothes all the way home?’ Harry asked, deadly offended. ‘We just left them right outside the gate.’ 

 

‘Yeah okay, great story. I heard it before. Lou?’ Perrie said, waving Harry and Ed off.

 

‘Well like I said,’ Louis answered. ‘I’ve had plenty of sex before. It kind of became my thing. Partying, making out with strangers, taking them home… talking about it excessively.’ He added with a strange grimace. 

 

‘So.. how does one go from that to asexual?’ Perrie asked, sipping on her cocktail.

 

‘Well funny thing is... I never actually liked it. It wasn’t like I didn’t like it but… ‘ He hesitated. ‘I started to have sex because that’s what people were doing, that’s what you do when you’re fifteen you get your first boyfriend and you think you’re an adult already. Then I had sex with other people because I was waiting for it to become good. I was waiting for it to be how people described it... But it just never was. And then I realised that I wasn’t having sex because I wanted someone, or liked or loved them, I was having sex simply because it was a thing you do. ‘Cause by then it already became my ‘thing’.’ He finished with air quotes around the word. 

 

‘Okay I…. um. I hope this is not overstepping but if you didn’t like it, how did you... fake it?’ Niall asked, turning red at the question. 

 

‘I’m not impotent.’ Louis chuckled. ‘I sometimes have an itch. Again, it isn’t something that all ace people share, but I do um…’ He cleared his throat. ‘Take care of myself from time to time. It’s just... I prefer to do it myself, and I don’t have any desire for anyone to help me. So usually when I did have sex I waited for my body’s response to kind of kick in.’ He shrugged. ‘But over time what first was just disinterest on my part every time someone touched me like that and just general ‘meh’ turned into a cringe every time anyone tried something and then to full on  _ ‘don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me _ ’.’

 

The whole table was listening quietly, but Harry signaled the bartender for another round of drinks, knowing full well that the worst part of the story was coming up.

 

‘It wasn’t actually that big of a deal to be honest, admitting it to myself. That was easy actually. What was hard was the fact that I was actually dating someone at the time and I really did love him. But he noticed that we had less and less sex over time, and that I started to invent a million of reasons why we couldn’t. I was afraid to tell him ‘cause I was scared that I would lose him. But I just couldn’t anymore. I was making myself do it, and making myself pretend that I liked it which was fucking sick. And then afterwards I was crying all the time while he was lying on my shoulder because it felt so wrong to be doing it. Finally, I snapped. And I told him, and…’ Louis stopped, seeing the bartender approaching their table with a tray of drinks.

 

They all nodded politely at him before shooing him away and turning to Louis.

 

‘... and he said he was okay with it. He read up on it even.’ Louis smiled crookedly. ‘Up until the point when he said that if I didn’t want sex, I shouldn’t mind him having it with other people.’ He finished bitterly.

 

‘Shit.’ Liam murmured with a concerned expression.

 

‘I don’t really blame him.’ Louis shrugged. ‘We were both so young, I barely understood what was happening, let alone him. I was fine. We broke up, I came out. It earned a few ‘are you high’s since people weren’t used to me not wanting to have sex, but they got over it pretty quickly. Seems like it’s easier to come out as ace after you’ve already come out as gay before.’ He finished with a small smile. 

 

‘Well I blame him.’ Harry grumbled. 

 

‘That’s because you’re a sweetheart.’ Louis chuckled, pulling on Harry’s curls. ‘He was an immature brat who didn’t understand that he crossed hundreds of lines, but he was young. We all learn.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘So what now? I mean, what do you do when you start dating someone? Do you just tell them from the first minute?’ Ed asked.

 

‘Usually, yeah.’ Louis nodded. ‘Especially since now ninety percent of people that you meet, you meet at the pub, so half of them try to just hook up. I just prefer to spare myself some grief. Them too, so it’s easier to come out.’ 

 

‘And how do they react?’ Niall asked quietly.

 

‘Differently.’ Louis smirked. ‘Sometimes when they are huge lgbtq enthusiasts, whether they’re allies or a part of the community, they act like fucking cheerleaders. I dated some of those, ended up just like everyone else, telling me after few months that they wish sex wasn’t that important but it kind of is. Some look at me like I’m a freak and say stuff like ‘maybe you just weren’t properly stimulated’ which is just fucking gross.’ He laughed. ‘And some, which are the best ones, don’t really know what asexual means, but are open to finding out. We know that no one really teaches you about us, even in lgbtq+ spaces, so we get that you can get some things wrong, or be offensive when you don’t even know you’re being offensive. It’s human, and it’s okay, as long as you listen when we correct you.’

 

‘This beer is not what I thought it would be.’ Perrie murmured under her breath.

 

‘Am I boring you, dear? I know you’ve heard most of this before.’ Louis teased, nudging her shoulder.

 

‘No!’ She exclaimed, taking his words way more seriously than he meant them. ‘I would never be bored hearing about things that move you. Whether it is a good ‘moving’ or a sad one.’ She said with conviction, her blue eyes boring into Louis.

 

‘I know Pez, jeez.’ Louis said rolling his eyes, as always lightening up the mood with sassiness. 

 

‘But talking about sex doesn’t bother you?’ Liam asked leaning in, all of them interested by what Louis was saying.

 

‘No.’ Louis chuckled. ‘Of course there are some ace people that are bothered by it. Same as there are some aro people bothered by watching romantic comedies or even seeing people on the street kissing, but I’m not.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘To be completely honest, I am bothered by couples making out on the street.’ Zayn said, melting himself into Liam’s side. 

 

‘It’s different though.’ Harry interjected, aromantic being his territory not Louis’. ‘Aromantic people who are grossed out or uncomfortable with romance are not uncomfortable like all of us are with people full on making out on the street, tongues in throats and all that. They can be uncomfortable with even a peck on the lips. Or even the way you sit with Liam now.’ Harry said and Zayn jumped away from his boyfriend, which made him chuckle into his drink, hearing Louis’ answering giggle on his left. ‘I’m not. I love romance, I’m one of the biggest romantics out there. I just don’t want to take any part of it.’ He shrugged. ‘I daydream on a daily basis about Louis finding some great guy, who would be good enough for him.’ He added, nudging his best friend in the ribs.

 

‘God, you’re such a spaz.’ Louis teased, rolling his eyes fondly. 

 

‘But...’ Harry pushed on, ignoring Louis’ comment. ‘I never want that for me.’ 

 

He was met with five frowns of confusion and he sighed, feeling Louis grab his knee in a sign of support. 

 

‘No, Haz, we’re… we’re sorry...we didn’t mean to…’ Ed started blushing, seeing Harry’s reaction.

 

‘No no, it’s fine.’ Harry soothed. ‘It’s just me dreaming about a perfect world in which everyone… just, gets it.’ He sighed again. ‘At least you’re not giving me this whole ‘maybe you just didn’t meet the right person yet’ speech.’ He added a little bitterly. 

 

‘But…’ Liam asked, a little unsure. ‘Are you sure that it isn’t just that?’ He asked, ducking his head down, afraid that he had asked the wrong thing.

 

‘Are you sure you’re gay?’ Harry shot back demandingly, making Liam frown in confusion. ‘No, just answer the question - are you sure you’re gay?’

 

‘Um… yeah, pretty sure.’ Liam said hesitantly, contradicting his words. His tone had more to do with the fact that he didn’t know where Harry was going with this rather than any hesitation about his feelings.

 

‘Are you sure? ‘Cause maybe you just didn’t meet the right girl yet?’ Harry asked bluntly, making Zayn and Liam raise from their seats in outrage before deflating like balloons in understanding.

 

‘I see where you’re coming from.’ Liam nodded blushing. ‘I’m sorry, that was incredibly offensive of me to ask, right?’ He added, biting on his nails.

 

‘You’re learning, it’s okay.’ Harry smiled weakly. ‘People don’t get it. I’m used to people not getting it. They are all ‘you’re gonna meet someone one day that will make you change your mind’ and you know, maybe I will. I’m not ruling out the possibility entirely, just like you can’t rule out the possibility of Louis wanting to have sex sometime in the future, or either of you falling in love with a girl, or Ed falling for a guy or having sex with one. Sexuality and romantic attraction is fluid - it can change. For some people it doesn’t and stays the same their entire life, for some it changes once or twice or a hundred times through the course of their life, but…’ Harry said, getting increasingly fired up with every second. ‘But in the moment right now you have just one sexual and romantic attraction. People may try to tell you that it will change but if you feel something, if you feel something deep down in your core, something that you know is true, no matter how many times people try to convince you otherwise it doesn’t change how you are. It doesn’t change how you feel.’ He ended, his whole speech met with a stunned silence around the table. 

 

‘I mean… rewind the button fifty years and this is how people reacted to gays.’ Zayn said thoughtfully. ‘They just couldn’t wrap their minds around homosexuality, it didn’t mean that it wasn’t valid.’

 

‘Exactly. People were saying ‘ _ how can you feel that way about guys not girls’, ‘I don’t understand it’, ‘it’s not possible’ _ . But just because you don’t understand something and haven’t experienced it doesn't mean that it’s not real. Like I could stand right here with you now and argue with you ‘so blue isn’t your favourite color? How can you say this? I don’t understand it, blue is my favourite color!’ But I don’t. Because it sounds utterly ridiculous.’ Harry explained. ‘But if it sounds ridiculous in such a trivial matter how come it’s so hard to understand that people may have different experiences when it comes to something way more personal?’

 

Thoughtful silence spread across the table while Louis looked over to his best friend with beaming smile and mouthed ‘I’m so proud of you’ with a tilt of his head. Harry just made a kissy face at Louis and stuck his tongue out of his mouth, making Louis giggle in his arm while Harry kissed his head softly.

 

‘Okay, I hope I’m not jumping on another grenade here, but… this,’ Niall said, motioning towards the two of them. ‘You look like a couple. You are all touchy feely with each other all of the time. Like, how is this different from being a couple?’ 

 

‘And how was your relationship with Bressie different than your relationship with Barbara?’ Harry asked, referencing Niall’s high school best friend and his most recent girlfriend.

 

‘I didn’t cuddle with Bressie…’ Niall said.

 

‘So that’s what being in relationship means? Cuddling? If you cuddle then you’re in a relationship?’ Louis asked with a raised eyebrow, a little mockingly.

 

‘No!’ Niall defended. ‘I mean… no…’ He said confused.

 

‘Exactly. Being in a relationship does include cuddling, yes. But it is about so many different things. And you can’t really explain it. It’s just how you can ask people what being in love means, and they all will give you different answers. They can always tell when they are in love but they can’t ever quite explain how it feels.’ Harry said. 

 

‘Okay, so how is it being aro?’ Ed asked gently. 

 

‘I just…’ Harry sighed, leaning his arms on the table. ‘It’s really hard to explain, because.’ He stuttered. ‘Okay, so it’s like. You can’t really wrap your mind around not feeling romantic about anyone, because it’s weird for you. It’s unusual, but.. I can’t wrap my head around feeling romantic about someone. Like I literally have no idea how it feels like. None. You can try describing it to me, but I will never get it one hundred percent, because those strings in my body, they are not attached to anything. All I know is that from the very beginning when my friends had all those fantasies about their future spouses, or about their crushes, or about some celebrities that would just swoop in and take them into their arms - I never had those. I never wanted any of that. I never thought about any of that. And I kind of always thought that it was how everyone was. I never perceived myself as being different. Until we got a little bit older and people started to date, and people were asking ‘who do you like?’ or ‘do you have a crush on someone?’ and I would just shrug and say ‘I don’t’. At first they shrugged too, because me not liking someone one or two times wasn’t anything weird, but then it was the third time, and the fourth and then people were through their tenth adolescent relationship and I had never even thought about having one, and I started to think that I didn’t really want one. It’s not like I can explain it to you clearly, because it’s not lack of something. It’s just completely another thing.’

 

‘No, no, I think that you are describing it clearly.’ Perrie said. ‘I just think it will take us more time to kind of get used to it. Like make the idea sit in our head.’ She smiled.

 

‘But this is awesome. All of what you’re saying. And thank you for saying that, I mean, thank you for telling us.’ Ed said softly, putting a hand on Harry’s hand and squeezing it lightly. 

 

All of them stopped for a second looking at each other before everyone burst out with laughter. 

 

‘Oh my god.’ Louis squeaked out through giggles. ‘This was really fucking intense.’

 

‘Right?’ Perrie giggled. ‘It was like a support group in here for a second.’ 

 

‘Well thankfully we got that one out of the way.’ Harry laughed.

 

‘So now we can just focus on finding Louis a boyfriend.’ Liam chirped in happily making Louis groan out loud and Harry laugh.

 

‘God, I think I’d rather have you thinking I’m dating Harry.’ He said throwing himself back on the chair.

 

‘Wow Lou, I’m flattered with compliments here.’ Harry deadpanned. 

 

‘Oh shut it, you know what I mean.’ Louis said, swatting his arm. 

 

They laughed and ordered another round of drinks, followed by some light, and some heavy again conversation. Telling their friends about everything made Harry feel like there was a huge weight taken off of his chest, and he could see all of them hanging out. With how close him and Louis were there was really no other possibility. 

 

‘Oh shit.’ He said suddenly, looking at the door to the bar, his face white as a paper. Louis followed his line of vision and noticed Ken coming inside with bunch of his friends.

 

‘Shit, Haz, do you want to leave?’ He asked worryingly when the rest of their friends noticed the look on their faces and started looking around to see where the frowns came from.

 

‘That’s the guy I’ve been sleeping with for a few weeks.’ Harry mumbled. ‘He got pissed at me because he thought we would start dating and I kind of, surprise surprise, wasn’t into the idea.’ 

 

All of them looked in the direction of Kenneth, and Louis snickered at them to be ‘more obvious why don’t you’ but it was already too late. Kenny, spooked by so many people looking at him, spotted Harry and his face reddened with anger.

 

‘You!’ He yelled, moving towards their table.

 

Louis leaned over Harry, placing him slightly behind his back in a protective manner.

 

‘You are fucking unbelievable!’ He exclaimed again, moving towards the table, his friends following after him with confused glances. ‘That’s Harry. That’s the asshole that played me, used me, and then TPed my house as a fucking goodbye gift!’ He exclaimed again. His friends had a flash of recognition on their faces before frowning in anger and settling around Kenny like some kind of secret service group. 

 

‘I think you should dial it back a bit, pal.’ Liam said, standing up and flexing both of his arms in a warning manner.

 

‘I need to dial it back a bit?’ Kenny asked incredulously. ‘He is the asshole here! What the fuck!’ He exclaimed, throwing his arms out.

 

‘It’s not his fault you need to get your ears checked.’ Niall said quietly. 

 

‘This isn’t even about you! Who the fuck are you?’ Kenny asked, pushing Niall by his arm.

 

‘I’m Harry’s best friend, asshole.’ Niall said, pushing back.

 

‘Okay okay guys, slow your roll.’ Zayn said, stepping between the two. 

 

‘I told you I’m aro. You knew that from the beginning, you can’t be fucking mad at me for that.’ Harry said quietly, mortified about the public scene.

 

‘Well see, problem solved.’ Zayn smiled sweetly. ‘The gentleman here told you how things are, it’s not his fault you decided not to listen.’ He added, pressing into Kenny’s space a little, his whole demeanor way more threatening than Liam’s muscles ever could be. 

 

‘Oh yeah! Because he can be all lovey dovey with the twink over there but I’m just good for fucking, right?’ Kenny exclaimed, motioning toward Louis.

 

‘Yeah, I would stop talking right about now, if I were you.’ Zayn gritted through his teeth. ‘You are the one in the wrong here.’ 

 

‘And if anything, you are the one who owes the man here an apology.’ Perrie said, standing beside the rest of them with her hands on her hips. 

 

‘For what?! He’s the one who dumped me!’

 

‘We were never in a relationship, Kenneth. You knew that. Again, from the very beginning, you knew that. I have no idea how many times I have to say that. You knew who I was at the beginning, so stop acting like the fucking victim, you ignorant asshole!’ Harry said, his voice starting as a whisper piercing through their ears and growing louder. He ended with a punch to the table as he rapidly stood up, his nostrils flaring. 

 

‘Dude, if he told you from the beginning, like, what did you expect?’ One of Kenneth’s friends asked quietly. 

 

‘Everyone says that they don’t want relationships! It doesn’t mean that they don’t want one!’ Kenneth argued on as more people in the club started to listen in.

 

‘So you’re saying that just because they say no doesn’t mean they mean it - you do realise that’s the same logic rapists use, right?’ A girl at the next table asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

‘It’s different!” Kenny pressed on like a petulant child.

 

‘How is it different?’ Louis asked mockingly.

 

Seemingly everyone in the bar was holding their breath, even Kenny’s friends looking a little unsure by his side. 

 

‘Ken, I think we should go.’ One of them said, tugging Kenny to the door, who was still mumbling ‘it’s not the same’ while all of his friends were trying to get him out of there. 

 

After the door closed behind Kenny and his posse, they didn’t stay for long. Everyone was looking at them, peering at Harry curiously. Even though he didn’t say a word to indicate that he was uncomfortable, Louis knew him better than that. So he waited long enough to be sure that Kenny was gone and invited everyone back to their place. They all jumped quickly at the opportunity to drink cheap shop beer instead of overpriced and watered club beer. 

 

They went outside, Louis and Harry trailing behind, Harry keeping his hands in his pockets with a small smile that made Louis look up at him with narrowed eyes.

 

‘What are you thinking about?’

 

‘I’m just thinking I’m really glad I’m aro.’ Harry said with a mysterious smile.

 

‘What?’ Louis asked, smiling a little confused.

 

‘It’s just all of you geniuses are living in this tomorrowland when you find someone and then you’ll be happy and complete, and I just... I am happy and complete now.’ He stated, his eyes shining happily. ‘I have you. I have all of those assholes.’ Harry motioned to their friends walking and laughing in front of them. ‘I have my family. I don’t need to wait for it. When you look at it like that it seems like all of you got the short end of the stick.’ He said smirking. 

 

Louis smiled at him, looping an arm around his waist and asked when they were walking out towards the metaphorical sunset:

 

‘You are kind of a genius you know that?’ 


End file.
